Accepting the anger

When a bad thing is happening to us, the first reaction is to deny that this is happening. 'No it cannot be true!' 'that's impossible!'

On my wedding day in the South of France, we planned a wonderful magical wedding under the stars. Oh god, you will never believe what happened to us! From the moment we left to the city hall, it started to rain cats and dogs without stopping. The first reactions from my family were 'oh, it's nothing' 'don't worry, it's going to stop'...What an illusion! How do you even know?? No one knows, let's just accept what is happening right now and plan what needs to be done to react accordingly and move on.

What is expressed by this denial? Sadness, anger... all kinds of emotions. We don't know how to deal with the situation so we prefer to pretend that it is not happening because it is too painful to accept.

So how to accept the anger? By accepting to be angry. We live in a society, where anger is associated to violence. That is not correct. It is healthy to be angry! It is happening very often to many of us. So, tell yourself ' I am angry and it is ok'. Listen to your anger. Most of the time we are even mad at ourself that we are angry! Crazy stuff! By being ok with our anger, the pain is divided by minimum the half, I promise.

In practise:

it is important to release this anger somehow, ex. doing sport to let it out. If the anger is very present, many coaches or therapists propose to do anger work and it is very powerful.

Accepting the loss

In this situation, we need to accept the loss of what we wanted to have, to live, or basically what we wanted for ourself. Let's be honest: it is not going to happen. Or at least, not this way. So, it is time to accept it.

It can be any loss: the loss of the job of your dreams, the loss of a relationship, the loss of a promotion that you didn't get,etc. In my example, I had to accept the loss of the wedding I imagined. Not easy! Especially, when you have projected a lot of hope in a situation you really wanted for yourself. And I would even say, when you have done everything for it, and it is not happening.

To accept the loss, the following might help:

• Share your feelings with the ones that are going or went through the same thing as you, that are impacted the same way. It feels like they are the only one that can really understand the pain you are experiencing.
• Accept the sadness. You have lost something: a dream, a hope, a wish, whatever. You have the right to be sad. Cry about it, write about it, do whatever you think is needed to give it space.
• Put it in a bigger picture. We have a tendency to always see things so big when they concern us. Example, if you live in Paris, you will feel more concerned by an earthquake in Brussels than one in Asia. It's human. So put what happened to you in perspective. In my case, I married the man of my life and this counts more than what I had to give up on my wedding day.

Seeing new possibilities

Now that you have screamed about it, cried about it, it is time to open yourself to new possibilities. As we say: a door closed but others opened. Open yourself, look around you, each situation is opening new possibilities. Even the most difficult ones. Do you know the story of Azim Khamisa*? His son was murdered by a young boy. He forgave the murderer and the grand father of the murderer became his best friend. Together now, they are spreading the word of tolerance at school. If in this situation you can see this kind of possibilities, then any situation can. Don't you think?

You didn't get your exams? Do it again! Change studies! Change University! You got the worse project of the company? Challenge yourself! Get people you trust on board! Make it done as you want it to be!

Lower your expectations

I would say as a final statement: lower your expectations. By having less expectations, we give ourselves more chances to be happy about the result. If I promise you a huge chocolate cake and I give you a small apple pie, you will be very disappointed. But if I promise you a small chocolate square and I give you a nice chocolate muffin, you will be positively surprised.

Get this attitude ' I do my best and we will see what happens'. Be proud of yourself no matter what happens in the end. Put all the chances on your side to succeed, to get what you wish, but understand that there are things that you cannot control and there will always be. So take a bit of distance to the result. Life is a journey. Keep fighting for your dreams. If a dream is not working out, don't give up. If it is gone, find another dream. That's the attitude that will make you happy.

Finally, I would like to dedicate this article to a coach that thought me a huge lesson of acceptance (she will recognize herself). She has a cancer and she is talking about it like eating an apple! She is accepting it, living with it and still moving on. Accepting doesn't mean abandoning. Or not fighting. It means a first step to move on to the next chapter.

And you? Are you willing to accept what didn't happen as you want in your life?

Let's do it!